On the renovation:

My aunt told me that my parents chose to spend their CPF on renovating the flat and the changes made are likely to last for the next 20 years. I brushed the statement aside with a brief acknowledgement. I ignored it till I tried to paraphrase it.

I told a friend of mine that the renovation was my parents' way of spending their CPF and that they probably want the changes to last till they....

At this point, I kind of choked. We tend to mark the stages in our lives by lifecycles, each characterized by certain attributes or numerical value. There was a pause of a couple of seconds as I frantically search for a term that represents the lifecycle after retirement.

With my limited vocabulary, I was unable to find a linguistic equivalent.

And I wanted to tell my friend that the changes are meant to last my parents till their final days, till they pass away. But I held myself back before the words came forth. Pass away? Why was I hesitant when what I want to say is simple, straightforward and matter-of-fact that the changes are meant to last my parents till they die? Am I unable to face a simple truth that they are mortal? If not, why was I trying to find a dozen words to replace a monosyllabic, base word? And for whom am I trying to avoid confronting the issue? Not for my friend, I suppose.

I think we call euphemism in soliloquy self-denial.

I have been criticized for being critical and way too frank. But I am only harsh and unforgiving to no one but myself. And my only apology to those whose sensitivity I have offended is that honesty and truth is incompatible with building them a sugar-coated reality. It is in my opinion that without honesty and openness to opinions, sincere dialogue is impossible.

Goodness, that sounds terribly like my usual critique of the government. Perhaps the individual and the state are not that different after all, both in constant and unabashed self-denial.

I apologize for not allowing myself the indulgence of self-denial and excessive feelings, and as such am unable to relate to the many who often pours out their sorrows expecting not solutions but a compassionate ear.

But it may be due to my flawed understanding that fear and denial are the biggest obstacles aside pride and a lack of openness, to the Search.

I apologize for living my life a spectator, a witness to your pleasures and pains, your laughter and your tears. I apologize for living life away from life, for loving you from a distance. I apologize for not being you, thus am only able to talk of your problems as problems to be solved.

There is so much to apologize for being born without choosing to be.