This post is dedicated to both Maria and Weeling, although they might never get to read it.

I just returned from the retreat for my mentoring organization. And in small ways, I learnt a lot.

During one of the sessions, one of the mentors from RI proposed conducting courses for mentors to teach or inculcate anger management. And I questioned the feasibility of mentors trying to teach the kids anger management. Given only 2 hours weekly, of which the time is split equally between study and play, I questioned the practicality of us trying to impart such values to the kids. Positive changes in the character, in normal situations, can only take place over a long period of constant exposure to relevant influences together with reinforcements from immediate surroundings. So I reminded the mentors present to be realistic and not expect ourselves to be able to teach the kids everything, given the limitations.

As it is, we are expected by parents to be free tutors and not mentors. Schools expect us to help them out by revising with the kids what they were taught in class, expecting us to play experienced and trained teachers. The last thing we should have are more unreasonable expectations about ourselves.

At that time, it seemed only the reasonable thing to say. Now, I supposed those words showed how tired I am.

I guess after 3 years of being a mentor to a bunch of 5, watching them grow from secondary 2 till their "N" Levels now, watching them drop out of the scheme because of financial difficulties, watching them fall away because of their getting involved in unsavoury activities and groups, watching them skipping sessions because of their jamming sessions; the disappointment I was fighting for so long is getting to me.

I admit. I am tired.

I spoke with Maria during lunch about this issue and in a short span of an hour, she taught me lots. She has years of mentoring experience behind her and her words were extremely helpful. She agreed with me that we cannot learn anger management over a short time, and for most of us, learning anger management will take our whole lifetime. Some of us will never learn. But for all of us, learning as with growing is a lifelong experience.

She has had mentees who found her advice and her games unpalatable when she was mentoring of them, only to catch them one day, years down the road, playing the same games, sharing the same advice and saying the same things. With a grin, she told me that we are all here to plant seeds, not to harvest. We might never be able to see the results of our works, or our words. But we should never stop planting these seeds just because we cannot harvest the fruits; it is just that the time is not right.

Someone else saying the same thing to our kids years down the road might just strike a chord in them; they might just be reminded of your words, and your ideas planted years ago, might just start to grow within them. It might take months or it might take years, or might never be. The point is that we plant our ideas, our hopes, our words, our values and our tears as possibilities in their futures; as possibilities that might one day take root and bear fruits. And what we hope for is that one day, the right person will come along, with the right words, at the right time, in the right place and achieve what we did not manage to.

Planting seeds is a tough job and once in a while, I guess we all do question ourselves about how much longer do we have to wait before the harvest? Maria said with a laugh that the harvest happens when we die. Her take is that the reaper will reap the fruits we become. Learning is a lifelong process and our death will our graduation. Now, that is one graduation of mine which I hope all who read this entry will be able to attend.

She agreed with me that we cannot learn anger management over a short time, and for most of us, learning anger management will take our whole lifetime. But she believed that we should never give up.

She said to Siva during dinner that the world is not a pleasant place, and that it will sound idealistic, but that changing one person at a time is what we can and should do.

She might just be right.

I guess we should at this moment ask ourselves how much more we are ready to give and how much farther we want to go. For me, I suppose a few more years will not hurt, afterall, I have lasted 3 years. While it may not hurt, it can be depressing and tiring.

So once in a while, I do need a friend to give me kick in the face to remind me to keep my chin up.

We cannot save everyone, but I guess, maybe we should not stop trying.

I hate it whenever I tell Weeling that we cannot have time for everyone, that we need time to reflect and be with ourselves before we lose ourselves in the troubles of others, before we lose ourselves in our empathy for others. She faces the same problems, having her own work commitments, personal commitments and church commitments and not having enough time for her youths. In a way, she hopes for more time for them, wanting to change them for the better, wanting to keep them out of jail, out of fights and away from whatever troubles their mischief will get them into.

Sometimes what I said sounds like a lame excuse.

But having to manage my life, their lives and still be responsible for everyone's feelings can be so tiring sometimes.

I want to get more involved in my kids' lives, find out what music they are into, listen to what they are singing and writing, what problems are plaguing them, what difficulties they are facing and she wants to devote more time to her youths, participate in her students' activities and get to know more about each and everyone of them, more than just their faces and names.

But that is all so impossible, teachers are not supposed to touch students, not supposed to be too close to them, mentors are supposed to draw a line between themselves and their mentees, social workers are supposed to keep a professional distance and detachment towards their counsellees. So for our own safety, we are supposed to keep a distance from those we care about, especially with the scandals in the Catholic community still fresh in everyone's minds.

So we cannot help but adopting a detached attitude towards things, cannot help but keeping a distance between ourselves and all others, cannot help but learn resignation, cannot help but walk away from a lot of things.

It just does not seem right sometimes.

Sometimes, nothing seems right.

Sometimes, real life can be the greatest obstacles to really living a life.