I have a strong hunch that few of us are made for the life that we are given. Everytime we are settled into a state of comfort, we found ourselves thrown into alien and often difficult circumstances which none of our prior presumptions hold. Despite the popular beliefs that human suffering is due to the infinite human desires, much of it is due to the infinite challenges and expectations that present themselves ever so often.

Just when we are getting used to being a child, just when we thought that we are getting so good at being one, we are no longer. We are suddenly teenagers, expected to be one without being told how. Our past behaviours are deemed shameful by new standards imposed set when the clocked struck twelve last night. The apple of the eye, the fairytale princess and the prince charming all suffered an unfortunate fall from grace. Alas, how fickle the human heart... the only thing worth capturing and living for continues to evade us.

How so many would love to remain a child, to remained loved, pampered and nurtured!

Years ago, I had the power to make the very life of the person who betrayed me a living hell. I did not. Half a year ago, it fell on my shoulders to save the job of a guy whom I met but once. I spent two sleepless nights trying to balance his livelihood against the jobs of many others which might be jeopardized should I help. And just when I am learning how to be a son, after spending years learning to be a friend, I have been called to save a friend from bankruptcy.

So I am often caught in the position to save people, so what? I did not ask for this power; I do not want to be anybody's saviour; and I do not want to make these difficult decisions.

Give this fate to someone who crave for it. I do not want it.

What I really want, is a little peace, a little space, a little time and a little extra cash to read my books, write my prose and paint my canvas. All I ask for, is to be left alone. I tire of being responsible, for the things I did and I did not; for myself; for others.

Just leave me alone, please...

"C*** P****, if we pull through this time, you will have to control me, because I cannot control myself."

As it is, my life is out of my own control, what would I want to control anyone else for? What good is a life that cannot control itself be to me? What would I want someone else's life for?

I cannot see past the next hour. And I am asked to bear a $60,000 debt that is not mine for at least half a year (in favourable circumstances) and what seems to be a lifetime, if things do not turn out as expected.

Should I seek the counsel of the fortune teller? Some versions of history had it that Sun Ce had a prominent msytic put to death because he was unable to summon the rain as promised. I hate fate and I plan to slay my very own...

I do not want to start with her.