On Organizing Dinner

Good food on quiet evenings at reasonable prices is quickly becoming a rarity, for restaurants which do not charge for their silence and serenity usually do not stay in operation for very long.

It is hard to plan dinner when all the joints you frequent have closed down.

Desperate times demand desperate measures. But should I cook, food poisoning will probably add a whole new dimension to farewell dinners.

 
Slowly and Surely....

The past will catch up with you. My ex girlfriend messaged me on ICQ last night. We began speaking a few months back, on the net and the phone. She has been back in Singapore for slightly for more a year and I am glad that things are turning out the way she desires them to be.

She is making plans to return to Australia, planning to get married in a couple of years, and (despite professing to understand the uncertainties in the way things can turn out) proceeds to, in her self-assured ways, work out the other details of her future.

She can see so much into tomorrow, while I am somewhat struggling to reside in the now of Zen, always falling a little short of the absolute calm as advertised on the books.

It is a little hard staying calm when you cannot forget about the past or ignore the future when yesterday is creeping up on you as you stare into the hell hole called tomorrow.

The conversations we had in the past two months left me with mixed feelings. Talking to an old friend is always wonderful, but I am struck by the familiar undertone to the conversations. She is always looking outwards, pursuing her definition of perfection. So am I. In my pursuit of excellence, I spare no efforts.

I guess the difference is that she is always looking out, high and far, while I look in, down and deep.

I would not say that I have found the answer, but I have discovered a semblance of stability when I look upon the ground I have planted my feet on. She still seemed unsure and unhappy. The joy of talking to her again has been mediated by the disappointment of discovering that perhaps things have not changed much in the past 5 years.

I wish I can tell her that no plan in the world can be a substitute for a good solid foundation. I wish I can tell her if looking outwards does not help, looking inwards might be a good idea.

But I think I know better than to try to change a person.

The seventh month of the lunar calendar is a time many are visited by apparitions, by phantoms, by fond memories of the dead and by nightmares of those still alive. There is no escape and there is no stopping them. I will just have to be at peace with the dead, some of whom I still miss dearly and I will have to learn to face up to those still alive.

So, even if there is a whole hoard of them, dead or alive, standing outside my door (as in many Resident Evil games) waiting to pounce on me once I open it, I guess it is good, very good.

It means I do not have to look for you one by one.

I am seeking closure to many things.

So welcome back, whoever you are...

 
Internet Limbo

Imagine....
a universe of chaos,
a dump for pent up emotions,
a collection of random inspirations,
a repository for snippets of memories,
an ocean of drifting thoughts,
a haven for lost souls,
an endless labyrinth of experiences,
a play of fate,
a consequence of choice,
and threads that link one to another, linking all together, the past, the present and the future....

Imagine.

The creators called it an experiment, ever so curious to see how it will turn out to be... a sentiment God might have when he created the world...

 
This is my first post after more than a year of silence, so the first few sentences have better be good. A "I am back." sounds pretty appropriate.

That somehow does not sound right.

But how can I be back when I was never away.

I was just out there, in real life, thinking, dreaming, reminiscing, experiencing, training, doing... although in absolute honesty, thinking has not been the main focus for the past few months. But as with this page, its readers were never far from my mind.

I cannot forget the people that I want to forget, how can I forget the people whom I do not want to forget?

Slowly, in the postings to come, I will share what has transpired in the past year. It is perhaps new to most that I have to admit to not being sure how I have changed in the past year, since I am always cool, collected and in control. There just has not been enough time for the long reflections that I need, and recently weariness has gotten the better of me and frustration and disappointment, which have been constant companions are expressing themselves through my short temper and my refusal to indulge in tomfoolery or poor humour of any sorts.

I am still in control, but my social skills are being sorely tested.

Perhaps another reason for not posting for the past one year is that I have been posting somewhere else. It is a place which can only be described as a sort of internet limbo, a plane of existence that does not really allow real, personal existence.

I do not know how to describe my feelings this moment as I am typing on this familiar page. One year has not been a long time, but at a point when I feel myself slipping into juvenile angst, adequate words come difficult... what the heck, forget the excessive ruminations and revel in the moment, let me just say...

I am back.