Slowly and Surely....

The past will catch up with you. My ex girlfriend messaged me on ICQ last night. We began speaking a few months back, on the net and the phone. She has been back in Singapore for slightly for more a year and I am glad that things are turning out the way she desires them to be.

She is making plans to return to Australia, planning to get married in a couple of years, and (despite professing to understand the uncertainties in the way things can turn out) proceeds to, in her self-assured ways, work out the other details of her future.

She can see so much into tomorrow, while I am somewhat struggling to reside in the now of Zen, always falling a little short of the absolute calm as advertised on the books.

It is a little hard staying calm when you cannot forget about the past or ignore the future when yesterday is creeping up on you as you stare into the hell hole called tomorrow.

The conversations we had in the past two months left me with mixed feelings. Talking to an old friend is always wonderful, but I am struck by the familiar undertone to the conversations. She is always looking outwards, pursuing her definition of perfection. So am I. In my pursuit of excellence, I spare no efforts.

I guess the difference is that she is always looking out, high and far, while I look in, down and deep.

I would not say that I have found the answer, but I have discovered a semblance of stability when I look upon the ground I have planted my feet on. She still seemed unsure and unhappy. The joy of talking to her again has been mediated by the disappointment of discovering that perhaps things have not changed much in the past 5 years.

I wish I can tell her that no plan in the world can be a substitute for a good solid foundation. I wish I can tell her if looking outwards does not help, looking inwards might be a good idea.

But I think I know better than to try to change a person.

The seventh month of the lunar calendar is a time many are visited by apparitions, by phantoms, by fond memories of the dead and by nightmares of those still alive. There is no escape and there is no stopping them. I will just have to be at peace with the dead, some of whom I still miss dearly and I will have to learn to face up to those still alive.

So, even if there is a whole hoard of them, dead or alive, standing outside my door (as in many Resident Evil games) waiting to pounce on me once I open it, I guess it is good, very good.

It means I do not have to look for you one by one.

I am seeking closure to many things.

So welcome back, whoever you are...