Delivery

A healthy baby girl was delivered today. Both mother and child are safe. That is all that really mattered. I received a picture through my phone today and it was a mugshots of the girl fresh from the womb.

From what I can see, it bore certain resemblance to the parents.

And I suppose that is another thing to be thankful about.

I would love to be there to welcome the girl, but for her own sake, it is better that I wait. It might be Tuesday or Wednesday when I do get to see the girl.

These few posts about me getting all excited about a baby girl might sound a little out of character for me.

For anyone who remotely knows me, I am never big on family life. Being part of a family is probably more than enough for me. My mother nags too much, my father hardly utters a word, my brother frustrates me more than enough.... I cannot, for the life of me, imagine having membership to another family, let alone being in-charge of it, when this one (which actually is quite mild) is already too much to handle.

On a personal note, starting a family will be somewhat akin to a leisure activity or hobby, for I have mastered the ability to somewhat distant myself from the roles which I am supposed to play. Family life will be another facade of, a subsidiary to my overall social life, similar to roleplaying a character in the Sims.

In short, I can only do it when I have time, when I feel like it.

Family life requires a caring, nurturing, encouraging persona most of the time... or even just some of the time, a relatively low standard which I profess to still fall short of. I can be helpful, I can be generous, I can be relatively patient, but encouraging?

I pride myself on being on honest.

However, I figured that being an ideal family man, is not about being nurturing, caring or encouraging. It has everything to do with being consistent, and being predictable. If you are a good husband and father, that makes you a good and reliable father and husband. If you are a bad father and a wife beater, that makes you a reliable bad father and wife beater.

Being consistent makes you reliable, it makes you predictable, it gives them security. And a sense of security seems to mitigate most flaws.

But I cannot give that.

I cannot be consistently kind. That is impossible. It involves me going against my primary nature.

And I cannot be consistently wicked.

Surprised?

It is true.

I am incapable of being a caustic, nasty and wicked person all the time. There were times when I was too exhausted and too drained to be even sarcastic, or feeling too temperamental and more tempted to rave and rant than to take a verbal jab at someone's nuts...

These are times that I would just love to hide away.

I am one of those people you call toxic. Starting a family would be the equivalent of enrolling my next generation in lifetime therapy.

Strangers vex me, colleagues depress me, and I am to add family members?

You trying to get me killed?