Fear and Trembling

After a seven-month hiatus, I am back.

Seven months is a long time. Some have fallen in love and got married in the past seven months. Some have fallen out of love. In the same span of time, some have quitted their jobs, some have found new ones. So many changes have taken place, yet strangely... so much remains the same.

During this time, I have experienced, possibly with the exception of hatred, the full range of emotions during these months as well: fear; love; anger; insecurity; frustration; joy; angst; sadness; and so much more. I think we call that volatile cocktail: confusion.

I had to dig deep into that reserve of my being to find, in the arrogance that I am alive, the calm that I need.

I do not have the luxury of being dead, so I have to be grateful that I am alive then. Being dead, being the dust in the winds, being the air that others breathe, you have the excuse to be nonchalant.... being alive, it is your Existence overshadowing mere existence, you take refuge that your future is yours to create and that reality is yours to work. You own your future.

And I suppose that, is both beautiful and scary.

There is so much uncertainty in the air, that you wonder whether you can even claim with confidence that you can own any one future, or for that matter, any one past. Aside from the fact that we are all slipping inexorably towards dementia, or unconsciously employing ever more selective perception, some of us were never masters of our own fate or reality.

There are many changes happening in my life... but until they materialize, I guess I will not blog about them.

It must have been ten years ago when I told my primary school classmate, then already my secondary classmate, I want to be in control of my own fate. And he said that we will always be.

I did not know why I said what I said then… he is presently one happy guy, but I wonder if he still believes in what he said then... aside from God, that is.