I went around a few weeks back telling a few friends excitedly that my birthday will fall on the 7th day of the Lunar New Year which is the day of ren (Human Beings) and that I will be a human being this year. I made a mistake. My birthday will fall on the 8th day, I do not know what animal represents the 8th day...

But it turned out that I am not meant to be human after all.

 
Remembrance

Sitting in a house berated by the winds, my solitude is as porous as silence, penetrated by the whistling of their uneasy passage through the cracks, their whispering alongside the beatings of my heart, my thoughts travelling with the wisps from my coffee mug.

I miss the days of leaning into the wind, of watching leaves swept sky high, of having my hair ruffled by their invisible fingers, of sudden storms that can turn day into night, of electric storms that shook the foundations of the building and of heavy rains that turn the cold marble floor to ice.

I used to remember watching sunlight playing on the raindrops as they hung precariously to to the railings, listening to my grandmother's chanting which is always in my mind, feeling an inexplicable sense of bliss, harmony and safety that stemmed from nowhere but simple existence.

I still miss her badly.

 
I just read blog by a mother who was shocked to realize how old her daughter already is when she was told that her daughter is taking driving lessons. The good thing she remarked is that her daughter will not drink and drive, since she cannot drink.

For she is allergic to sugar...

 
The Search for Meaning

Last Saturday's papers has a job opening which I am really interested in. It was a position within a monastery to manage their volunteer programs. After being a volunteer for 4 years, I looked at the small column and for the first time in a long time, I told myself, "I really want this job." I have only felt this way about 2 other jobs in the past. One was the employment as an education officer (i.e a teacher), the other as an officer with the People's Association to assess the eligibility of the clients for financial aid, the latter which I blew my chances during the interview by blabbering examples of the insensitivity of the government towards the aged and the uneducated. Details are in an entry over a year ago, those with enough patience can search for it. I supposed I owe my speech patterns and negative mental associations with the government to the company I have kept for years, I will not be surprised if it causes me more jobs.

Old habits are hard to kick, old friends, harder still.

Below are some many personal reasons why I would want that job:

One, I believe they provide free vegetarian meals.
Two, it is relatively near my house.
Three, I like the job scope.
Four, I can do drawings of temple during my free time.
Five, there is a basketball court nearby.
Six, I can probably learn more about Buddhism.
Seven, I can jog to work.
Eight, I think it is an area I can really contribute.
Nine, Bishan Park is nearby.
Ten, Junction 8 is nearby.

Is this not the perfect job or what? Maybe if I pray really hard, I might get posted to Shaolin one day for exchange program or something. And who knows if I search really hard, I might be able to find, in some forsaken dusty library, a manuscript for some ancient martial arts of unparalled powers.

World domination, here I come! Well, I am not really that greedy, I really do not need super powers, I mean, who need to break down buildings with a punch or be indestructible and inpenetratable by spears and bullets? The ability to fly would be good enough for me.

I really hope I get this job.

But first, I have to type my cover letter and send out my resume....

 
Healthy Living

During the first day of new year, my cousin was so excited to stumble upon my cache of post workout supplements and threatened to bring the entire load home. He has recently started on a diet of mass gainers and one has to admit that it might be working, his arms and chest does look bigger. It is in our genes to have relatively fine frame and higher metabolic rate, and we are what some called hard gainers. Simply put, we have a difficulty gaining weight.

But I really did not expect them to be hitting the weights as well. My other cousin who used to work out pretty much in the past, no longer has the time for regular workouts, but the results of the training in the Special Operations Force during his National Service still show.

I guess this is what family gatherings are supposed to be like. Instead of sitting around comparing whose kids has the best grades or who has the smallest dress size, we exchange health tips, workout plans, business ideas, and compare who has the thickest biceps or the nicest pectorals between eating bah kua, kway lapis, pineapple tarts and coke drinking.

I love chinese new year.

 
Chinese New Year

Much as I might appear to be neutral to most festivities and celebrations, Chinese New Year is one which is full of meaning and cheer to me. Chinese New Year may, in general opinion, appeal more to the older generations than the modern. But I like the idea of a family gathering. It is a time which I get to see the people whom I have knew since young, whom watched me grew up, and as I grew up, I grew busy, and thereby grew distant while they grew old. But undeniably, the feelings remained. And I am often filled with anticipation to see them this once every year.

I supposed I was lucky since I seldom need to do new year visiting for I have always stayed with my grandmother. And even after my grandmother passed away, my father being the eldest in the family means that my uncles and aunties will visit us. I seldom visit relatives on my maternal side either for some reasons which I never knew or simply due to a lack of good habit.

It is a new year of irony, I suppose. I started off a day with a jog with Pathos in Bishan Park, followed by a light workout. It was meant to get him into rhythm for a healthy and active lifestyle. Transport was naturally difficult to come by on the first day of the new year since even the bus drivers were out visiting. So I dropped near my side of the park and jogged over to his. The weather was great and the workout was good; everything went well, till we reached home, when I found out his mother cooked him char kway teow for breakfast.

So I wrote off the calories we burnt...

Most unwed mothers are stigmatized even in present day Singapore. And I have heard of quite a few who decided to hold the guy responsible and got married quickly after finding out that they are pregnant. I was informed that my cousin is getting married this year. And they will only decide on the date after new year. Apparently, a few months after deciding to get married, she got pregnant.

But that does not really go with the flow of unwed mothers, does it? There should be pregnancy first, then decide to get married, not the other way round.... always remember people, pregnancy first, then decide to get married, these people simply cannot do things right. Either way, I have a wedding to attend to soon.

There goes my ang pow money.

Easy come, easy go...

 
On the Last Day of Employment

It is good when the last day of work feels like the first day; motivated, enthusiastic and refreshing.

 
After almost a month's rest, going back to the gym seemed like a chore and a pain. After completing my cardio, I felt so hungry that I decided to cut short my workout and go for food. The rest can wait.

It is just so strange how much a month's rest and illness can do to the body. Perhaps there is some truth in the chinese saying we are like boats going against the currents, if we do not make progress, we will slip backwards.

But living life as such is tiresome, no?

 
I am simultaneously working on many entries and I am not sure if I have posted this before. But if I have posted the following, please highlight it to me.

We often prefer people to be angry with us than be disappointed with us. And strangely, it actually hurts to be a disappointment. And there are people we know, who would rather lie, deceive and cheat than to disappoint, people who get very defensive when they are told that they disappoint.

Maybe it is the idea that anger quells and leaves little trace whereas disappointment lingers. Anger is often perceived as an emotional response against an act that offends one's personal sensitivity; personal standards which are subjectively enforced; personal preferences of little significance and even less moral implications.

But disappointment is rather different. It seemed to imply the failing of expectations or the falling short of obvious, universal, basic standards. It therefore is less of a crime against the victim than the condemnation of one as an absolute and utter failure.

So be careful of voicing your disappointments, for passing thoughts can kill.

 
Not All is Fair with the Fairer Sex

Be warned, that the following will be controversial.

To be in love with a dream is to run the risk of waking up with a shock. She may be more a monster than the person you dreamt her to be. Often there is a side of her that is just waiting to be unleashed by hurt, jealousy or insecurity.

To be in love with an impression, is to run the risk of your world crumbling with counter examples. First impression lasts. But hurt and pain can brand another over it easily.

Our fairer sex, like animals are most dangerous when wounded. A woman is most desperate when hurt.

Women need not be objective or rational and even less fair. They are likely to treat everything in the way they treat kids, in accordance with their whims and fancies. I suppose years of thinking they are excused from the rules of the game or the codes of honour that binds men, has allowed them to think that they can get away with murder.

And perhaps that is precisely why they feel neither shame nor restraint, during their emotional outbursts that are often without reason, which they unleash without taking into consideration governing rules or justification, after which they feel no remorse, perhaps only regret.

Men when hurt, can be dangerous too.

However, we are more subdued. Perhaps the days of throwing a punch and receiving another in return has taught us the price of anger. Or perhaps the regret of losing our favourite CD collection to temper has inculcated in us that things once broken cannot be mended. And perhaps through such painful and probably expensive lessons, we have learnt that things in the past are better left in the past.

The 7 Deadly Sins are as follow:

Pride
Envy
Gluttony
Lust
Anger
Greed
Sloth

But I fear this is hardly comprehensive or accurate. They missed out or should replace two of them with Spite and Revenge. The greatest harm done I know are due to both qualities, arising from insecurity and perceived hurt inflicted in the past.

And from experience, the person closest to us can hurt you most, both intentionally and unintentionally. And from experience, it is better not to let others get too close to our emotional selves.

But the fear is very wrongly placed. The point is to avoid being close to others. The closer we are to someone, the more pain and hurt we can inflict and the more damage we can cause. And this destructive powers make us likely victims for Spite and Revenge.

It adds a whole new dimension to the saying that it is better to be respected than to be loved.

Expectations set the stage for hurt and fear is the basis of insecurity. And being close to a person allows people to make guesses about us and gives them grounds for expectations of us. For people who seek to live life their own way, this is where all the problems begin.

Nothing is more frightening that the fear of abandonment. Give another expectations and dependence, and you will soon find them puncturing the tires of your car and sabotaging your plans to leave. They will blackmail you emotionally, they will take actions which their normal selves will never think of taking, they will turn into things that crawled out of the very pits of hell, they will fall to Spite and Revenge. At this point, it would be wise to recall what Master Yoda said about young Anakin Skywalker.

I have said that expectations which are not communicated are unreasonable, and it is not unreasonable to expect, just that all expectations are unreasonable.

I suppose this is the reason I stayed aloof. This is the reason why I said that my path is not suitable for anyone else. We met by accident, not by meditation. We are on the same path by chance, have no illusions that we will continue on the same path. Expect little, if not nothing from me. I wish not to hurt you by failing your expectations or by my leaving to follow my will. I wish not to give you false hopes or illusions, you do not know me and you probably never will. I just want to be alone.

Stay away, for you are dangerous.

 
I am not sure what is happening to me, but as I walked through the crowded link between Wisma Atria and Takashimaya, what I saw was people as biological beings surrounded by a grey cloud of bacteria, germs and viruses. And I found myself wondering how many hundreds will die should ebola be released into the crowd. All these moving creatures are tempting targets for infestation and such crowded areas are simply a fertile breeding ground for whatever needs its nourishment from human beings. Instinctively, I felt an urge to just avoid all of it as it just seemed so unhealthy.

It makes me long for the green fields and the open courts, where air moves freely, like the sun and clouds in the skies. Maybe it is just my need for space or maybe I subconsciously I am still keen on exacting revenge on the person who gave me my viral fever...

 
My friends who chose to stay unemployed than to sacrifice their time and efforts in jobs without meaning, take heart. The person who introduced Nietzsche to me apparently agreed with you.

"They deem me mad because I will not sell my days for gold;
And I deem them mad because they think my days have a price."

~ Khalil Gibran
Sand and Foam

 
2003 in Review

2003 has been a terrible year for most of us. And with exception to the one friend who found love in its closing, terrible is an understatement. Not because the rest of us were unloved, but that we discovered that there are more to life than love. There is money, which happened to be in extremely short supply all around the world and there is employment opportunities, which is also in severe shortage, a signature that marked the past two years.

In fact, there is almost a general consensus that had the world should ended in the year 2000, it would have ended on a much higher note. I ended and started 2004 trying to achieve the resolution which I had set for myself 2 years ago, to clean my room. And I am proud to say that I had made more progress in 1 month than in the past 5 years.

In any case, what is 2003 to me? Very little, I am afraid. Aside from the few of my very good friends getting married, there are few landmark moments. I look back and I cannot retrace my steps. What got me here? I do not know. And that is rare, considering how I used to reflect every step of my way.

But in 2003, I have had my share of upheavals. I have had mini my rags-to-riches and riches-to-rags moments. I have completed my graduate diploma in HRM. I have signed up with California Fitness for 3 years. I have noticed my growing obsession with basketball. I have made new friends. I have learnt. I have grew. I have had so many things happening.

Perhaps, it is for this reason that the year felt so tiring.

Still... what is 2003 to me? I am afraid I cannot really say... If I am asked to say something about 2003, I will not know what to say. People know my stoic, fatalistic "shit happens" philosophy towards life and the casual way which I treat happenings.

So, what is 2003? Shit happened and nothing else.

Human beings are now further from humanity than in 2002. The geo-political situation is an utter fiasco. They want and almost succeeded in getting the world to believe that the best way to fight violence is with violence and terrorism with terrorism.

The Israeli-Palestinian situation is now close to another meltdown. With the SARS situation, there is global finger pointing. With the perceived threat of terrorism, individuals now allow their rights and freedom to be compromised for a sense of perceived security. What is sacrificed is not just the ease of movement, but the freedom to information and knowledge, through censorship or imposed checks and barriers.

Have two thousand years taught them nothing? The flow of ideas and information can never be stopped. They have missed the whole point altogether. The problem is a lack of communication and openness between cultures and not some tyrannical despot in the desert.

What else is lost? The most precious gift of all: Openness or Intellectual Freedom. With fear, stereotypes are entrenched. People are now even less willing to challenge their beliefs, preferring to stay within their comfort zone.

A pity is it not, that we shall never see each other in the same way again?

 
Self Consolation

Should you feel sorry for yourself, you should keep in mind Saddam Hussein who was accused of crimes he did not commit, attacked and hunted down by the Americans for Osama's actions, betrayed by his wife for money and who lost all his power, immense wealth and a country within months.

Compare yourself with him and you will be glad you are wearing your own shoes.

 
I suppose my leaving the company is not unexpected. Leaving has been something on my lips for months, so much so that I have been boring some of my friends to death. Although I usually have new horror stories of the management errors that kept their attention, their interest is somewhat akin to the morbid fascination with roadkills, which after a wince too many, they reached their threshold for stupid management mistakes. After simply dismissing my boss as an idiot; which something quite a few has already done, the continuing chronicles of gross management misjudgements no longer arouse any interest.

From public mockery, it is now limited to inside jokes. And how does one know when to leave? When the drama becomes a tragic comedy....

 
On Retrenchment
The tribe has spoken. And it is I who will be leaving Survivor Islands tonight to rejoin civilization. Things are in a pathetic state. Once out of job, I will be forced to draw, read, write, swim, play chess with old folks, take up courses, go gym and commit myself intensively to basketball to pass my time.

Suddenly, unemployment never seem so good.

 
It really made my day after my friend messaged me the other morning telling me that she dreamt of me. It may not seem like much but how many guys can go around telling people that girls dream of him?

The content of the dream was rather explicit and the rating is to be advised. I am not sure of the context, but she dreamt that I opened her up, took out part of her intestine, waited for it to harden and then put it in a pot and used it as a musical instruments. Well, that is probably a little more details than I bargained for... anyway, the important thing is that the dream was factually flawed, I was never a musical person and I will never use her intestine as part of a musical instrument.

I may come across as an avid fan of movies which glorifies sex and violence, but that should have no bearing on the integrity of my moral being. Do not jump to conclusion based upon my preference for seemingly shallow television programs. After all, there must be some merit to Baywatch, since it has been translated into more languages than most other shows, right? Right?

I grew up under the influence of the American greats like The Blob, The Lawnmower Man and the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre (and that includes 1, 2 and 3) and I suppose these influences make me harder to relate to. And what people cannot understand, people fear.

I am not evil, I am just misunderstood.

 
The first place I went to for 2004 was to the clinic. The doctor diagnosed my fever and severe body aches as symptoms of viral fever. What a way to start a new year! I started it playing host... to viruses.