The Search for Reason
 

 
The music of awakened Solitude, is like the dance of falling leaves; the sound of silence carried by the tinkling of bells a thousand miles away.
 
 
  Blogger Silenus Pathos ^dante
 
 
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
 
"Do Us Proud"

That was what my boss said to me weeks back, when he told me that I will be moving to another department. He said that my previous two bosses and my director has pushed hard for me to get this position, so I must not let them or the department down.

During a dinner on Monday, my director told me that my bosses (three of them including one who was here for less than half a year) had positive feedback about me and have been planning my career for the longest time. Throughout, I was unaware.

Planning for the longest time... I guess that is because I was too good to let go, but too caustic and abrasive to fit into a normal group.

Their plan somehow left out a significant pay increment.

My future boss (effective first next year) told me that the team is excited to have me on the team and are extremely curious as to who I am.

When I met my immediate superior (effective first next year) for the very first time, she told me that I am coming in with extremely high recommendations. She said that my boss is expecting me to contribute in many areas, areas she believed to be my competency, areas which I myself, am unaware that I am competent in.

People have been telling me that I should take things easy and give myself time to learn, but they are not aware of anything that I have just mentioned. They are not aware that this new job is not a new beginning. It is another stage where I am expected to deliver the results that I have been delivering for the past two years, results which I sacrificed so much, perhaps too much for.

Is it time to create the future again? Is it time to grow into their expectations again?

I do not know. I grew up with a thousand expectations of me and I grew with every one of them.

And I am tired....

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.


But I have promises to keep,



And miles to go before I sleep,





And miles to go before I sleep.
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Sunday, December 03, 2006
 
Fear and Trembling

After a seven-month hiatus, I am back.

Seven months is a long time. Some have fallen in love and got married in the past seven months. Some have fallen out of love. In the same span of time, some have quitted their jobs, some have found new ones. So many changes have taken place, yet strangely... so much remains the same.

During this time, I have experienced, possibly with the exception of hatred, the full range of emotions during these months as well: fear; love; anger; insecurity; frustration; joy; angst; sadness; and so much more. I think we call that volatile cocktail: confusion.

I had to dig deep into that reserve of my being to find, in the arrogance that I am alive, the calm that I need.

I do not have the luxury of being dead, so I have to be grateful that I am alive then. Being dead, being the dust in the winds, being the air that others breathe, you have the excuse to be nonchalant.... being alive, it is your Existence overshadowing mere existence, you take refuge that your future is yours to create and that reality is yours to work. You own your future.

And I suppose that, is both beautiful and scary.

There is so much uncertainty in the air, that you wonder whether you can even claim with confidence that you can own any one future, or for that matter, any one past. Aside from the fact that we are all slipping inexorably towards dementia, or unconsciously employing ever more selective perception, some of us were never masters of our own fate or reality.

There are many changes happening in my life... but until they materialize, I guess I will not blog about them.

It must have been ten years ago when I told my primary school classmate, then already my secondary classmate, I want to be in control of my own fate. And he said that we will always be.

I did not know why I said what I said then… he is presently one happy guy, but I wonder if he still believes in what he said then... aside from God, that is.
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