My friend told me that there has been medical findings stating that too much chocolate can cause irritable bowel syndrome (IBS).

It explains why I always get upset stomach after every double chocolate brownie or chocolate bundt from Starbucks, although I could have sworn that any one of the abovementioned can wipe out ant colonies with diabetes. In the past year, I have developed allergy to crabs, clams and now chocolate.

I think I might as well kill myself.

 
"Hands Clean"

If it weren't for your maturity none of this would have happened
If you weren't so wise beyond your years I would've been able to control myself
If it weren't for my attention you wouldn't have been successful and
If it weren't for me you would never have amounted to very much

Ooh this could be messy
But you don't seem to mind
Ooh don't go telling everybody
And overlook this supposed crime

We'll fast forward to a few years later
And no one knows except the both of us
And I have honored your request for silence
And you've washed your hands clean of this

You're essentially an employee and I like you having to depend on me
You're kind of my protege and one day you'll say you learned all you know from me
I know you depend on me like a young thing would to a guardian
I know you sexualize me like a young thing would and I think I like it

Ooh this could get messy
But you don't seem to mind
Ooh don't go telling everybody
And overlook this supposed crime

We'll fast forward to a few years later
And no one knows except the both of us
And I have honored your request for silence
And you've washed your hands clean of this

what part of our history's reinvented and under rug swept?
what part of your memory is selective and tends to forget?
what with this distance it seems so obvious?

Just make sure you don't tell on me especially to members of your family
We best keep this to ourselves and not tell any members of our inner posse
I wish I could tell the world cuz you're such a pretty thing when you're done up properly
I might want to marry you one day if you watch that weight and keep your firm body

Ooh this could be messy and
Ooh I don't seem to mind
Ooh don't go telling everybody
And overlook this supposed crime

ALANIS MORISSETTE

If society has set down its unspoken rules and unwritten regulations to protect the younger generation, it is because of the manipulative nature of human beings. For till they grow into their full potential of independent thought and critical thinking, they are still too susceptible to the influence of those with experience, coupled with intelligence and knowledge.

But I think I know too many who does not want to grow up, to grow into their full potential, taking refuge in dreams, metaphors and denial, expecting someone to always come to their rescue, refusing to take personal responsibility for their own wellbeing.

For only S$39.89, anyone can get the book called The Art of Seduction by Robert Greene at MPH. On the back cover, it chants the mantra: "seduce ... or be seduced".

The world just got a lot more interesting.

 
I have a few friends who are going to be teachers, and looking at them, I fear for the future of the generations to come. One of them told me how stupid trainee teachers can be.

And I kind of agree.

My friend's colleague who just finished his school observation/attachment for his NIE course was shocked when he found that his amiable, reserved HOD had through the vice principal wrote a complaint letter to NIE against him. He was said to be too close to the students without drawing a professional distance and boundary with the students.

He did not know how to react to the accusations when he communicates to the students solely through emails and in school. He did not go out with the students and had no involvement with them outside campus.

I just learnt that the principal and I think the vice principal have the power to submit a negative comment about any teacher without their knowledge. This comment will be kept in the teacher's profile, accessible to any institution or principal interested in viewing the file. This remark will be kept in the file for 5 years till it is purged. The said teacher will not be informed of the negative remark. The only visible signs would be a lower pay raise or a delayed promotion.

This raises disturbing issues. In an institution where honest, open, frank dialogue and compromise are encouraged as substitutes to violent, physical means of settling conflict, the authorities are empowered to penalize a staff without proper dialogue, assessment or forewarning. It seems to contradict its very own principles. The physical violence is transformed into a covet, silent form of equally violent punishment.

It grants the administrators unchecked power over the staff, for the staff cannot defend themselves. They are not notified of their mistakes or punishment. It can be said that the instrument itself is a tool for tyranny and terror, where the staff are kept in line, in fear, in the dark.

Once again the example of the panopticon comes to my mind.

It gets worse. Work cultures vary from institutions to instutitions. A teacher can never get used to the school culture for a general school culture does not exist. Every school has their very own way of doing things, their very own beliefs, priorities and traditions, all of which change with changing principals or administrators.

It was some time ago that a MP told the press that Out-Of-Bound markers cannot be clearly defined or spelled out, even if it will allow the public to know what is allowable and what is punishable. His reason was that social norms change from time to time, and so does the definition of what is acceptable, so it is impossible to pen down the OB markers.

Social norms was also cited as the reason for why male civil servants can extend their medical benefits to their family members and not female civil servants. It is, according to the spokesman, that it has always been the traditional male role to provide for the family and that the government does not want to change or upset the usual, socially acceptable way of doing things.

Whereas in other countries, the people, the deep rooted history and practices decide the social norms, in Singapore, our government has both hands in shaping our history, beliefs and values. And having them throw qualitatively unverified statements attributing rationale to prevailing intangible social norms which no one can define, somehow absolves them of their responsibility to correct unjust treatment, of their fault in propagating sexist gender roles and their duty to change the socio-political climate to allow for fair and equal treatment on the basis of our being.

 
Let us talk about death.

Francois said that in the past, funerals used to be grand affairs where the family and close friends gathered to witness and ease the pain of departure. But nowadays, death is a taboo subject which no one wishes to broach.

My friend's grandfather just passed away. And another one of my friend's grandfather is in the Class B2 Ward. They are feeding him vanilla flavoured milk through tubes inserted through the nose down the throat. My friend told me that it does not matter whether it is flavoured or not, normal human beings will never be able to distinguish the flavour of the milk when it is fed down your throat. The tastebuds are located only on one's tongue. The medical professionals do not and will not know whether her grandfather prefers chocolate or vanilla milk anyway. I told her that the nurses are feeding him vanilla milk for the sake of the family members and the witnesses present.

Death is definitely a social affair. Funerals are social mass dances. Let the reaper do the tango.

Let us talk about suicide.

If I am right about what Schopenhauer said, our most authentic choice as human beings, is to choose suicide.

If our lives are ours to lead, our demons to be our shadows, our fears our eternal companions, our pains are forever ours own to bear, our troubles forever personal, our thoughts never to be shared, then our ends will always be ours to face. And should be ours to choose. But in our society, suicide is a crime and death a public affair. And I wonder why.

My friend said that he will beat up anyone who wants to commit suicide. Society has spent so much in bringing one up, the parents have expended so much effort on bringing up the child, and he finds it ungrateful should one just chooses to throw one's life away. He thinks that these people should just be forced to labour to make the society better. I do not think that he has heard Russell's statement that parental love can be the most selfish love of all. And as for our debts to the society, well, I did not choose to be born. The society owes me an explanation.

I told him to consider people who finds no meaning in living, in giving and in breathing. I guess the concept of such a being still eludes him, even when a living, laughing example was there asking him the questions.

If living is just about breathing, then we will all be so alive. But if it is about self created meanings and self directed actions and ends, then we should have a choice as to how, when and where we want to end our existence. Medical science has allowed us to survive the worst of physiological nightmares, it has the ability to give us another shot at living or an extended timespan for life. But it has failed so miserably if its aim is to provide meaning or happiness. All it can provide is relief from pain, not joy.

Durkheim's study on suicide failed to shed light on this account. Social solidarity and shared meanings and lives will prevent suicide, but legalising against suicide is not something I would call social solidarity. And modern societies while providing an education, have failed to provide a substitute for faith and religion. Love of knowledge and passion for life will not stand up to the scrutiny of Reason. If Rosseau is right, we will be forever in chains, always trapped in the discourse with no visible of escape. We are all part of the Whole, our personal decisions will affect others. And perhaps that is why suicides are illegal.

In a world where everyone is searching for a way out, it is dangerous knowledge that death might be the only permanent solution. Thus, people who possesses this knowledge and who are eager to demonstrate it are dangerous. They might just be the virus who might kill the dinosaurs.

My friend told me that suicide will probably be the first and the last crime she will ever commit.

This post is inspired by Battle Angel Alita, when I re-read it a few months ago..

---------------------

"Before dawn, I have been looking at the sky... from complete darkness, to a deep blue that I've never seen... in the sky, countless hue overlap each other and form an incredible picture, I was fascinated. ... Then gradually, the blue in the sky falls down... I mean, I feel my body was blown into little pieces, and only my heart was left and it ascends to somewhere in the sky! I felt I was no longer me, but became one with the "blue in the sky", and scatter over every corner of this world... did that happen in several seconds, or several hours...? I don't know... but that was a very wondorous and intense sensation.

"I now understand. Until now I have seen a lot of people... a lot of incomprehensible and tragic things happened to me, but...

"In this world, nothing is meaningless. And in my heart, nobody had died."

~ Alita


P.S: When I said that medical science cannot provide us with joy, I did not consider "flying" as joy. As for the quote for Alita, it is just there for fun. And as for my promise to ^dante to die only after him, with the way he is accelerating his death by smoking and keeping late nights, I do not see that there is any contradiction between suicide ( if I should even consider it one day ) and my promise to him.

 
Reading the article below must be one of the most painful experience I ever had.

The Straits Times
June 19, 2002, Wednesday

On the headlines, I believe the title was:

PM Goh: The Lees are exceptional

PM explains Ho Ching's appointment
There is some conflict of interest in DPM Lee's wife becoming Temasek chief, but Mr Goh says it is 'for the larger good'

PRIME Minister Goh Chok Tong has acknowledged that there is some 'conflict of interest' in Ms Ho Ching being made executive director of Temasek Holdings.

In an interview with Business Week magazine, he was asked about the appointment of Deputy Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong's wife to the top job at the Government's investment holding arm, which controls about 40 companies.

Stressing that Singapore's talent pool was small, Mr Goh said: 'It is awkward, we know that... But you know, we work for the larger good.'

The interview, which appears in the magazine's June 24 edition, centred on the fact that many of Singapore's largest companies have boards filled with members of the Lee family, former Cabinet ministers and civil servants.

Since the Asian crisis, the Government has moved to restructure the government-linked companies (GLCs) under Temasek.

Mr Goh conceded there was a perception that the only way to shake up GLCs was to bring in a Lee family member and that was why Ms Ho got the job.

'That's a big problem politically for us. We've got to make sure she can justify her decisions. Otherwise, we are all in trouble,' he said.

Ms Ho became boss at Temasek on May 1. The reason Temasek chairman S. Dhanabalan wanted her, said Mr Goh, was that its board was not 'fully satisfied' with the progress made so far in the restructuring of the GLCs.

Her task was 'to give strategic direction to the GLCs'.

But having former ministers and relatives of Senior Minister Lee Kuan Yew on the boards did not make it harder to restructure the GLCs, Mr Goh stressed, pointing to the opening up of the telecom sector.

DPM Lee headed the committee overseeing the liberalisation when his brother, Mr Lee Hsien Yang, was SingTel's chief executive officer.

'They argued together that you need to open up the sector. The brother has to make sure SingTel can compete.'

Mr Goh also defended SM Lee as chairman of the Government of Singapore Investment Corporation, whose rate of return in the past few years had not been 'exactly stellar'.

'When I took over as PM, I appointed him as chairman. Do we have a better man than he in giving good returns on GIC? The answer is no.

'Is the management the best in the world? I think the answer is probably not. Is it the best fund manager in the world? I don't think so. Is it the worst? I don't think so.'

On the accountability of GLCs' top management, the magazine recalled that in 1999, listed SembCorp Industries' division heads received a directive warning that it would be curtains if they did not meet new targets by year-end.

The targets were not met, but no one was punished.

Asked why, Mr Goh replied: 'I have no idea. But at the end of the day, when they go, who else comes and takes their jobs? You don't have such an abundance of talent that you can say: 'No good, out you go, put in somebody else'.'

------------------------------------------
"I have no idea."

I like that answer.

Would I defend my country? Who has the biggest stake in the country? What would I be defending?

"I have no idea."

 
Laughing

I'm neither unhappy enough
to forget unhappiness
nor happy enough
to forget happiness.

The sun keeps speaking of day,
and the stars of night;
or, say rather, that a most beautiful silence
speaks of my heart and mine alone.

What is does not flow.
What comes and goes knows
nothing but this present moment.

To question the present moment is forbidden;
and one day, before this moment ends,
people may break out laughing.

~ Tanikawa Shuntaro

 
There was a slight drizzle as I looked up at the streetlight before me. Throwing light on the unseen, pointing the way for the sight, the rain drops were falling like golden drops in the rainy night. There it was, like a resilient ray of sunlight fighting the rain and the dark, a strand of spider silk streaking between a nearby branch and the post. Silent and still, it stayed apart and afloat, detached from the dark, from the gravity and from the drops.

I thought it beautiful.

I think I want to be that spider web.

 
My personal promise to myself:

To finish The Elegant Universe by Brian Greene before 15th July 2002.

 
I am thinking of becoming a monk lately.

Again thinking of becoming a monk...

"For who has ever met a pure and natural human being? We are always social beings, clothed in our skin, our class, income, our history and as such, our obligations to each other are always based on difference. Ask me who I am responsible for, and I will tell you about my wife and child, my parents, my friends and relations, and my fellow citizens. My obligations are defined by what it means to be a citizen, a father, a husband, a son, in this culture, in this time and place. The role of pure human duty seems obscure. It is difference which seems to rule my duties, not identity."

~ Michael Ignatieff

Freedom is confusing, freedom from define oneself is tiring, freedom from belief is taxing. I guess I would become a monk and a lot of other things for the sake of getting a belief, for the sake of getting an identity, for the sake of having some guidelines to follow even if I do not believe in them.

Michael Ignatieff believes that our duties, obligations and identity are derived from socially differentiating ourselves from others. The claims of others on us are based on the differences between them and the rest. We respected the ways we differ, and ignored the fundamental universals that underly all of us, in the form of our basic humanity and vulnerabilities. And as such, we miss the point in the way we care about people, by neglecting strangers' claims on us, which are often based on our common denominators.

To be a human being is to be lost. To be a human being is to be without a direction.

To be a monk, I guess is to have someone define you and to have someone finally telling you where to go.

Order arises from chaos, and I wonder if it is time I give up my madness.

 
This post is dedicated to both Maria and Weeling, although they might never get to read it.

I just returned from the retreat for my mentoring organization. And in small ways, I learnt a lot.

During one of the sessions, one of the mentors from RI proposed conducting courses for mentors to teach or inculcate anger management. And I questioned the feasibility of mentors trying to teach the kids anger management. Given only 2 hours weekly, of which the time is split equally between study and play, I questioned the practicality of us trying to impart such values to the kids. Positive changes in the character, in normal situations, can only take place over a long period of constant exposure to relevant influences together with reinforcements from immediate surroundings. So I reminded the mentors present to be realistic and not expect ourselves to be able to teach the kids everything, given the limitations.

As it is, we are expected by parents to be free tutors and not mentors. Schools expect us to help them out by revising with the kids what they were taught in class, expecting us to play experienced and trained teachers. The last thing we should have are more unreasonable expectations about ourselves.

At that time, it seemed only the reasonable thing to say. Now, I supposed those words showed how tired I am.

I guess after 3 years of being a mentor to a bunch of 5, watching them grow from secondary 2 till their "N" Levels now, watching them drop out of the scheme because of financial difficulties, watching them fall away because of their getting involved in unsavoury activities and groups, watching them skipping sessions because of their jamming sessions; the disappointment I was fighting for so long is getting to me.

I admit. I am tired.

I spoke with Maria during lunch about this issue and in a short span of an hour, she taught me lots. She has years of mentoring experience behind her and her words were extremely helpful. She agreed with me that we cannot learn anger management over a short time, and for most of us, learning anger management will take our whole lifetime. Some of us will never learn. But for all of us, learning as with growing is a lifelong experience.

She has had mentees who found her advice and her games unpalatable when she was mentoring of them, only to catch them one day, years down the road, playing the same games, sharing the same advice and saying the same things. With a grin, she told me that we are all here to plant seeds, not to harvest. We might never be able to see the results of our works, or our words. But we should never stop planting these seeds just because we cannot harvest the fruits; it is just that the time is not right.

Someone else saying the same thing to our kids years down the road might just strike a chord in them; they might just be reminded of your words, and your ideas planted years ago, might just start to grow within them. It might take months or it might take years, or might never be. The point is that we plant our ideas, our hopes, our words, our values and our tears as possibilities in their futures; as possibilities that might one day take root and bear fruits. And what we hope for is that one day, the right person will come along, with the right words, at the right time, in the right place and achieve what we did not manage to.

Planting seeds is a tough job and once in a while, I guess we all do question ourselves about how much longer do we have to wait before the harvest? Maria said with a laugh that the harvest happens when we die. Her take is that the reaper will reap the fruits we become. Learning is a lifelong process and our death will our graduation. Now, that is one graduation of mine which I hope all who read this entry will be able to attend.

She agreed with me that we cannot learn anger management over a short time, and for most of us, learning anger management will take our whole lifetime. But she believed that we should never give up.

She said to Siva during dinner that the world is not a pleasant place, and that it will sound idealistic, but that changing one person at a time is what we can and should do.

She might just be right.

I guess we should at this moment ask ourselves how much more we are ready to give and how much farther we want to go. For me, I suppose a few more years will not hurt, afterall, I have lasted 3 years. While it may not hurt, it can be depressing and tiring.

So once in a while, I do need a friend to give me kick in the face to remind me to keep my chin up.

We cannot save everyone, but I guess, maybe we should not stop trying.

I hate it whenever I tell Weeling that we cannot have time for everyone, that we need time to reflect and be with ourselves before we lose ourselves in the troubles of others, before we lose ourselves in our empathy for others. She faces the same problems, having her own work commitments, personal commitments and church commitments and not having enough time for her youths. In a way, she hopes for more time for them, wanting to change them for the better, wanting to keep them out of jail, out of fights and away from whatever troubles their mischief will get them into.

Sometimes what I said sounds like a lame excuse.

But having to manage my life, their lives and still be responsible for everyone's feelings can be so tiring sometimes.

I want to get more involved in my kids' lives, find out what music they are into, listen to what they are singing and writing, what problems are plaguing them, what difficulties they are facing and she wants to devote more time to her youths, participate in her students' activities and get to know more about each and everyone of them, more than just their faces and names.

But that is all so impossible, teachers are not supposed to touch students, not supposed to be too close to them, mentors are supposed to draw a line between themselves and their mentees, social workers are supposed to keep a professional distance and detachment towards their counsellees. So for our own safety, we are supposed to keep a distance from those we care about, especially with the scandals in the Catholic community still fresh in everyone's minds.

So we cannot help but adopting a detached attitude towards things, cannot help but keeping a distance between ourselves and all others, cannot help but learn resignation, cannot help but walk away from a lot of things.

It just does not seem right sometimes.

Sometimes, nothing seems right.

Sometimes, real life can be the greatest obstacles to really living a life.

 
I left my room, heading for the bathroom for my usual morning shower before work. And I caught a black shape dashed between my furniture, hiding from my sight. It took me several seconds before I understood what happened. The cat I usually played with had sneaked into my house and it was lucky that my mother was not aware of its intrusion.

I coaxed it into leaving the flat before shutting the door on it.

It hurts when you cannot let what you love into your heart and your house, for the sake of their emotional and physical wellbeing...

 
Perhaps one of the few differences between human beings and animals is that human beings are conscious of the passing of time. They can direct their attention to the future; to construct their reality on an idea, of a reality-yet-to-be. They can have life projects and determine what they will be and what they want reality to be.

Perhaps that is why someone said that what differentiates a human being from an animal is an ability to promise and fulfill the uttered words.

So friend, so promise me something, anything.
Promise me something, anything, to show that I perhaps still figure in your future.
Promise me something ludicrous, and yet hope that it will happen.
Promise me something simple and close to my heart, to show that you understand me.
Promise me that we will have tea under a starlit sky in a cool evening breeze one day.
Promise me that we will meet one day, anyday, anytime, anywhere, before our final departure from this mortal realm.
Promise me that while faraway, you will raise your glass to propose a toast to the memories we shared, even if I will not be there to hear them.

Understand that the winds carry not only sounds, but also memories and blessings.

Promise me something, anything, to concretize our ethereal words, muttered under our equally intangible breaths, to set our footsteps in each other's lives.

So promise me...

 
I find your presence a little distracting.
And your breathing a little too deafening.
Your silence is a little too suffocating.
And your absence a little too disorienting

I love you and yet I dread you at the same time. The fault is mine.

Forgive me for being a little too human, for being a canvas of colours a little too clashing, jarring, for having contradictions too apparent by a little.

Now I just need to retreat inwards, by a little.

 
I was thinking about my IC (identification card) and I laughed.

I would want to take away the IC number, because I was never good at figures.
I would want to take away my photo, because it hardly looks like me anymore.
I would want to take away my birthdate, because I was never born and I will never die.
I would want to take away my address, because I do not belong there.

This earth is mine to travel as a wandering breeze, this sky is mine to fly as a lonely cloud.

What is left on the card then, is my thumbprint, which I hope to leave behind in the pages of your book you called Life.

 
My friend SMSed me to tell me that she got engaged when the guy whom she met earlier this year proposed to her in front of her parents yesterday. I hate friends breaking important news to me through SMSes. The news are more often than not, shocking. Late last year, she was just trying to get over a guy whom she was pretty close to. The guy got married without her knowledge and still wanted to be with her. Within a span of slightly more than a year since that incident, she is engaged. She has found someone special to her and she wants me to meet him.

Well, the good thing about SMS is that it allows me to edit my messages to sound calm and collected, without revealing much of my shock. But it does not allow me to satisfy my curiosity without invading upon her personal space.

A year back, she was certain that she will be staying single for quite a while more. Her high standards were not to be satisfied easily. And neither was my fear of commitment to be conquered without herculean effort. And now, she told me that the guy is "special".

I could not find words other than "yes" when I agreed to meet him, other than my default "it should be interesting". It is scary how fast things can develop and just pass you by.

The government's message to the citizens to set up their own family is certainly working.

My other friend has 2 secular weddings, 1 church wedding, 1 wedding dinner and one post ROM dinner this week to attend. It should be interesting to see how such a week will affect a single psychologically.

But in case anyone is wondering, I am very, very happy for my friend. He should be her very first boyfriend and it seems that he is going to be her only boyfriend ever. Life is wonderful.

 
The minimum wage in America is slightly over 5 bucks an hour, my students earn about 2.80 Singapore dollars an hour working at Burger King.

It pains me to see them having to struggle this way. But I suppose we are still a long way off from having a minimum wage law.

 
A lot of my friends are having problems lately, emotional problems. Is it the end of spring that heralds the hormonal changes or is it just me?

 
I must have slept for like 14-16 hours today....and it feels GOOD.

Oh, do not envy me, you can do it too. And do not call me a pig, because I missed my breakfast because of sleep.

Call me a hibernating bear.

 
My friend will be at the cemetery now, talking about issues of life and death. She is there with her friends from her group. I think it is a session for bonding and sharing, for open dialogues and discussions. In a strange, alien environment which smells and speaks of nothing but death, maybe people will be in a pensive and reflective mood.

I am always apprehensive about such sessions, it is very easily subjected to manipulation and subversion. Maybe during daytime, people are too conscious about their shortcoming and inhibitions, maybe in bright day light, they are too easily distracted, maybe while having tea, you feel immortal, and death is but a faraway idea, an affliction for everyone but yourself. Maybe they will get her to open up, to reveal more about herself and to allow them into her life. Maybe they call it sharing.

I call it mindfucking.

 
My friend's friend got married today. She got three friends as back-up witnesses in case her mother-in-law, who happens to the step-mother of the groom, refused to be a witness. The marriage took place anyway and she signed. But throughout, she was making things difficult, ugly and uncomfortable. She refused to be in any photograph, the seething anger was apparent on her face and the atmosphere was so tense that the girl's father got so angry that he left immediately after the ceremony without attending the reception afterwards. Since the newly-wed are both of legal age, I cannot understand why they need to have the parents involved in their vision of a perfect wedding ceremony. Of course it would be nice to have their approval, but my advice to them would be:

FUCK THE WORLD!

If I was the bride, I would have devised ways of making it a double whammy: my wedding and her funeral.

It makes me wonder why marriage should be a social affair. I can have a video tape and a government official (optional) as my witness, I do not see the of need any other living witnesses. The legal age of 21 is already a signfier of physical and emotional autonomy, an aribtrary date decided by the society to keep us enslaved to and dependent on our parents, denying us full recognition of our rights and abilities till an age when they decide they can no longer contain us. But in fact, it is not a dependency on our parents, but society as a whole.

The age of 21 is not a signifier of emotional or psychological maturity as exemplified by several of my infamous friends who are often pretty proud to exhibit their infantile behaviour.

I do not see why a couple should not be allowed to be married without the blessing of their friends, parents or witnesses. Should not marital commitments be personal? If the move is to tie us to the community, asking for our actions to be answerable to the social whole, then Singapore has set up too many, way too many barriers against the blossoming of individuality. A ball and chain around everyone's ankles does not make a community.

 
It is tough being a customer service officer sometimes. Today a customer called in to cancel a policy which was supposed to be cancelled already. She refused to draft another letter because her policy should have been cancelled through the phone. She refused to send in any request through fax and insisted that she did not sign up for the policy. Only when I asked that she send us back her policy document, she agreed.

But she said that she would incur postage charges. And I asked her if she mind providing the stamp, she said she did.

I was shocked. She suggested that we send her a postage paid reply envelope. I did as asked.

But it is scary actually how nasty they can be. I mean, they can be in person, nice, amiable, generous and helpful. They are probably socially accepted, popular and functional in real life. But on the phone, with customer service officers, they can be demons from hell. The scary part is that they might be your best friend.

 
Sometimes the world can be an awful place, one that gets you pissed, disillusioned and jaded. It can be childish, cruel, irrational, merciless, rebellious, insane and downright stupid at times.

I can be hopping mad, feeling terribly jaded or being childish and just sulking like a kid, but once in a while a small feather light touch can turn me round. A falling leaf, a light breeze, a cloud or the sight of an old lady crossing the streets or a kid at play can elicit from me a smile ever so easily. Suddenly the world seems like a child, who abused your most beautiful and expensive colours to paint your world ugly, and yet nevertheless proudly show you his proud handiwork. Tugging at your pants, accompanied by an innocent, ignorant grin, he wants you to show approval...

And often the world has me on my knees, not knowing whether to laugh or cry.

I guess the world renews itself with each new child, with each new generation.

And the world as with every newborn is learning.

I am learning.

"Every child comes with the message that God is not yet discouraged of man."
Tagore, Rabindranath

 
^dante commented that I have weird friends; and made it sound as if I am a strange karmic magnet for the troubled and the bizarre.

His comments were well taken, at least till his insistence that he belongs to the small group of my friends who are normal.

Happy, thinking beings never made up the statistical majority in my circle.

 
I rolled a dice to decide which disposition to adopt for today and the dice said: Optimistic

So I tried.

1. I watched a grandfather playing with his grandchild on the bus and I wondered how my grandfather would be like should he still be alive. I am glad for the advance in science and our healthcare standards which will actually allow most of us to watch our grandchildren grow up should we decide to have kids.

Unfortunately, healthcare is going to be expensive and children quite hard to afford.

I tried.

2. As we continued with our nation building efforts, we have groups of people, who were gathered through unknown (probably government) channels, by unknown (probably political) beings, to set new records for strange feats. I thought I saw on the news that hundreds of people gathered to set a new record for the longest queue of people barbecuing together. I see people of all ethnic, gender and age groups coming together just to participate in this event and I guess for a while, they forgot their differences.

They also forgot that barbecued food are carcinogenic.

Again, I tried.

3. With our efficient police force, our streets are safe enough for most of us to walk about at night. Girls can walk alone at night, minimally dressed not to be arrested and still be safe from physical harrassment.

Most of the guys will just have to keep their hands in their pockets as they undress the girls in their minds.

And I tried, really.

I guess when I told ^dante the other day that the words: optimism and pessimism mean nothing to me, I was serious. But hell, a dialogue between a hedonist and a nihilist can be fun.

I think it is easier to get a cat to purr into my phone than to be optimistic.

 
I just went to the bookfair again today. And it struck me that in such book fairs we have quite a number of christian and buddhist bookstores peddling books, cassettes, CDs and religious goods of all varieties. It is interesting how each is selling their own brand of truth, partial truths and fiction; I could never tell the difference when it comes to religious writings. It is interesting how so many are buying into the hopes which are sold.

I read a poem of how some monks buried statues of the Buddha beneath the ground so that it will not be destroyed by invading armies when they sweep across the lands.

The armies have casted their enemity into the words and form of the Buddha.

And the monks have casted their hopes of salvation into the words and form of the Buddha.

Both are trapped.

 
Someone once said that Beethoven's music is not art at all, it is but a rant, a cry, a noise similar to one you make when in pain. It is not expression, not a presentation of feelings or emotions; it is as artistic as the gurgling you make when I tighten my wire around your neck.

You decide if you gurgle or you express.

There is a need for generosity and magnanimity between human beings: Generosity between us to allow the space for doubt; the space for freedom; the space for mistakes; and the space for understanding. Magnanimity to allow ourselves space to breathe; to allow others silence; our silence and their own; to allow stomach for the ambiguity between words; and for ourselves and others to follow their own hearts.

Now I am asking for space, just physical distance from some, and with that, silent, radio-dead space as well.